Saturday, 22 March 2008

• Praise YOU in the Storm

  ***I must preface this by saying my thoughts are still very jumbled and disorganized---it's a grief thing.  I have a hard time concentrating and expressing myself---be warned.***

  Ok, ok.  This is a song by Casting Crowns and one that has begun to take a special meaning in my life.  Since Alex died in November it has been very difficult to see praising God as "okay."  Mind you, it has not been difficult to praise God but it has been hard to accept my desire to continue worshipping the "God who gives and takes away".

  "I was sure by now
  God You would have reached down
  And wiped our tears away
  Stepped in and saved the day"
  

  Have you ever just cried and cried and cried some more not knowing why and not wanting to cry anymore? Some days I not only want the tears wiped away but also the memories and all the pain that accompanies them.  I know God is sovereign and his purposes are beyond what we can imagine, I sometimes wish they were easier to endure.  Why can't he wipe the tears away?

  A friend of mine wrote a song that I titled "remember", but what I heard was an unedited version and I am unsure if it was ever finished.  I cannot remember exactly why he sent it to me or what crisis I was going through at the time, but I know the words were heartfelt and truthful.  My friend's previous pain and anguish came through his lyrics and met me were I was.  "And he's kept all our tears through the years...and your never far from his thoughts."  My friend's lyrics answered my question.  He cannot wipe our tears away.  Through my grief journey, I have learned that some people will allow you to grieve and others want to "wipe our tears away" and make things better.  The truth---no one and nothing can make a grieving parent feel "better."  The BIGGER truth--God keeps are tears to show His love for us.  He wants us to feel and to rely on him for comfort, but he will never wipe our tears completely away...he loves us too much!

  "My strength is almost gone
  How can I carry on
  If I can’t find You"
  

  You cannot imagine (or maybe you can) the fear of not being able to carry on and feeling like God himself has abandoned you.  The first days after Alex's death were like this.  Often now, almost 5 months later, I think I will wake up with my boy sleeping in his room.  Many people have condemned me for feeling like God wasn't around or for being angry at the circumstances.  If you have ever felt God's hand upon your life--possibly by being blessed with a child--you can understand the joy that God brings to you and the plans you make because "plans for a hope and a future" is what God promises to us all in His Word.  When that future is taken away and the hope that was brought to that child by God's plan is taken before the child could have an opportunity to live his life, it is difficult to find God in that.

  Most of you do not know that Alex died on Nov. 6  and on Nov 9th he was to be completely free for adoption.  His parents gave me their blessing and told CPS not to consider anyone else for the adoption.  He never got the new name that I prayed about and agonized over the perfect name to both honor his birth family and give him a name that signified who he was.  He never officially became my son although I do not let that stop me--He's mine--nor did it stop CPS who blessed my desire to bury him near me.

  So my son, Isaac Alexander, who defied all odds of life in his short 7 months and 7 days left this earth to be forever with Jesus.  Sounds nice, huh?  But I still struggle to find God in that.  I KNOW He's there.  My biblical education and faith KNOW He's there, but my heart still doesn't want to understand.

  "As the thunder rolls
  I barely hear You whisper through the rain
  “I’m with you”

  As I look back over the past 4 months and a couple weeks.  I do see the effects of God near me, despite not being able to see his hand in Alex's death.  I never thought I would be able to smile again, but when Nina returned, she was goofier than ever and her laughter and smiles lite my face up.  God brought me a handful of people to encourage me and just be near me.  One friend calls, I think, just to tell me to smile.  Little do they know just by seeing that they are calling me, I smile.

  Just for me to wake up and get out of bed is evidence that God is near.  I have noticed healing in other areas, too.  Like I can pray now when for weeks, if not months, I couldn't pray for myself.  I am beginning to praise God for every little thing instead of just when I feel his mercy and grace.

  And the big one....I am not fearful of continuing my ministry to kids.  I know I will fall back every so often and think that I cannot continue taking in and loving these babies, but I know God will provide for me when this happens.

  "I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
  And takes away"

  He gives and takes away---this phrase is in two songs that allow Alex to be very close to my heart.  It's also in "Blessed Be The Name of the Lord" which was played by a friend at Alex's Celebration service.

  We are all okay with what God gives each of us.  Some are blessed with money and I bet they are OK with that.  Others have outrageous talent that they use each day without having to find a reason to accept it.  But when God takes away from us, we struggle to understand why.  Shhh...I know why, but don't tell anyone.   GOD has bigger and better things planned for those who trust and wait on his timing.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...yadda, yadda, yadda...sounds awesome!

  It's not easy and He never promises simplicity to those who follow Him.  I am living proof of the difficulty of following God and using your gifts to glorify Him. (I am sure each and every one of my friends also has a testimony to their struggles brought about by their faith---if not, email me...let's talk cuz I want to know your secret!)

  He gives and takes away...

  As a foster parent I have parented and lost 6 kids over the past 2 years.  Some were a blessing to see reunited with their families and others' situations still pull at my heartstrings.  The difference?  5 of those 6 were supposed to leave---Alex wasn't.  He gives... each of those needed me at the precise moment I was available for them.  I cared for each like my own and nursed them when they were sick.  By blessing them, they blessed me.  He takes away... each of those went on to surely bless others.  Their families needed them and were capable to care for them.

  He gives...Alex was very special and very ill.  Seeing his little heart heal itself encouragemed my faith in God's miracles.  Seeing him meet milestones and smile warmed my heart.  He takes away... Although I fail to understand fully how God could be a part of taking Alex I comfort myself in knowing that I gave him the world.  Chances are he would have never met 7 months if I hadn't been him mom. 

  "You give and take away
  You give and take away
  My heart will choose to say
  Lord, blessed be Your name" (Matt Redman; "Blessed Be Your Name")
  
  Despite all of God's giving and taking away, I continue to choose to Bless His Name.  I am a Christian and my life is defined by my beliefs.  My ministry is to bless children through fostering and possibly adoption.  As a Christian I am called to use the gifts God has given me to glorify Him.  Why stop now?

  This is my gift-"To love children who are not my own for the time God lends them to me.  To feel the pain of each of their losses and grieve for them, but hope in God's sovereign hand as protection around them and pray for each family impacted by every one of these children.  To give God the glory for giving and taking away.  To be open and accepting of God's will in all circumstances."

  As my friend, I ask that you be a steward of my gift and dream.  Please celebrate with me and grieve with me.  (I know none of my family will tell you that they want me to stop fostering--nor do they regret ever getting attached to any child of mine.)   Pray for me--for the joys and sorrows of caring for God's smallest and most helpless.  Pray for them and pray for my family as they continue to be impacted by each placement and loss of a child.

   

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